Wotcha peeps.
I’m working on a interest-catcher to start Chapter 1 with as my beta-readers have said it starts a bit slowly. I thought I’d post it here and see if anyone had any thoughts – if you read this would it spark your interest enough to read past a slow-ish start?
The book is On Dark Shores Part 1: The Lady.
Most of you know what the cover is like (there’s a link in the first post on the homepage of http://www.weaselgreenpress.co.uk if you haven’t).
After this excerpt it talks about Eliset and her mother for a while before cutting back to Scarlock.
There’s quite a lot of conversation before anything dramatic happens, so the question is, having read this, would you have a chapter and a half’s worth of patience before thinking it was too dull?
All feedback gratefully received; text follows.
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It was a time of dark dreams. They washed in like flotsam on the night tide, slipping beneath doorways and window latches, rising through the streets and hills; and the little fishing-town of Scarlock foundered deep.
The moneylender dreamed of the woman they said was his mother. The fury of her fit over, she subsided on the dirty straw of the madhouse, seemingly unmoved by the stench and the noise. She made no sign of recognising her boy; he was glad. He wanted nothing to do with her. Then the twitching began. His heart began to hammer as he realized that it was happening again. Like the mad woman, his muscles convulsed, and he jerked and raved like a puppet on its strings until he was gripped in the clutch of the padded shackles, pulling him in to share the cell with the drooling wreck of his mother.
The bodyguard dreamt of his final boxing match; the crowd chasing him, the broken shoulder that ended his career, and the brandy he laced with Angel Feathers to dull the pain. He wanted to give up the drug, but everywhere the Angel Feathers touched him a sore blossomed, gaping open like a hungry mouth, while he moaned with bitter pleasure.
The thief dreamt of the storm in which her parents had drowned. Dark waves thundered, smashing onto the reef where the ship’s bones lay broken. The wind-whipped surf lashed up and fell like salt rain. Somewhere in the voracious waters the thief’s memories were dissolving, but she could do nothing; she had to hide. It was not so much for herself, but the young girl whose beauty shone out, burning through the tattered cloak that the thief held up to cover them.
And further out across the sea and high up into the mountains the dreams insinuated themselves, even into the heavily-guarded sleep of the Mother of the Shantari….
…the old woman awoke in tears, full of the piercing sorrow which never left her. The time was close, so near that the echoes of it haunted her dreams, and of all her people, the most terrible sacrifice had been demanded of her. She wanted to rail against it, but this was the price of being guard and guide to her people; the women of her line were gifted, but the balance had to be paid in the blood of their own.
With an effort, she hauled herself out of the bed and crossed the room to open the heavy green shutters and then the window itself. She looked out over the harsh craggy slopes that fell steeply to the dark green of the tree line. Up here on the shoulders of the mountain it should have been bitterly cold at this time of year, but the hare was still wearing his summer coat and the waters of the stream were running freely.
The signs were everywhere. She grimaced; she was deceiving herself like a silly old woman, hoping against hope that she was wrong when in her bones she knew the truth.
“Mother?” Eliset paused in the doorway. “I dreamt it again, the same vision as before; about her.”
“The Lady?”
“Yes. She was walking along the pale beach, and behind her the sun rose over the Dark Seas. What does it mean?” Eliset hesitated, looking keenly at the older woman. “Mother? Your dreams walked a different path, again…”
“It was Absalom….” Her mother’s voice was barely a whisper. “It is always Absalom. I cannot see beyond his death. I cannot see anything but his death. I cannot see any way for it to end that could possibly make his death anything but wasteful. And I cannot forgive myself for setting his feet on a path that can only lead him to death and the Dark Waters.”
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So: thoughts, guys? Reading this, would you want to read a bit more or have got a bit bored yet?
All comments gratefully received…
Thanks;
JAC
I want to read more. The descriptions of the dreams make you wonder what the people are like, and how they have ended up the way they are.
Thanks for that, Afroh! Give me a few weeks and hopefully you’ll be able to!
JAC.
Hi JAC! Just read this and would definitely want to read more!! Hope I can get a sneak preview before it is published!!
I am no writer myself so I feel a bit cheeky saying this but there are a few characters to concentrate on already in the first part of the text. Maybe limit to 3 or 4 for starters??
Keep up the good work – brilliant stuff.
Hi Jac, yes I would read more, but in my case I’d probably want to see the beginnings of the plot next. That doesn’t mean it necessarily should come next, its just that I am not a “patient” reader. I thought the prose was good, nice visualisations, although I would swap the order of “jerking and raving like a puppet on strings” to “raving and jerking like a puppet on strings” a puppet wouldn’t rave, but this is a minor issue, and the image i evokes is descriptive. I think you should move on, this is a good start. First chapters are always tricky, you have to get the reader to want to read more, personally I would.
Keep it up.
Whooops, good point re the puppet, Paul – will go and amend. Glad you would be interested, and will keep an eye on feedback re pace as you’re not the first to say they are not a patient reader…
Thanks for taking the time to have a look; much appreciated.
JAC
Josie,
I was hooked. Three dreams by three different people, all totally different but obviously somehow connected…and the thief’s dream and the fact that the thief is FEMALE rather than male is a quick twist that lured this reader on. For what it is worth…I liked it! ~Nan aka minesayn
Good to hear – thanks for the feedback, Nan!
JAC
Puppets can be raving, or at least in love: look at Stravinky’s Petruschka… ‘Mad puppet on a string’ would be one option. Also, is Eliset an intentional anagram?
…er…no…
Geoffers, if this is a wind-up it’s absolutely working!
Thanks…probably!
heheheh
JAC
JAC, I would definitely read more, though I do think the entire text could use some fine-tuning and revisioning, which would definitely strengthen its impact. Your implementation of adjectives is, for the most part, well-handled, but I feel like you occasionally give into employing too many, where fewer, or none at all, would be even more resounding. For instance, in the paragraph that describes the thief’s dreams (incidentally, my favourite excerpt), the use of ‘voracious’ to qualify the waters seemed unnecessary to me, since the destructive appetite of the sea has already been rendered in the prose that precedes that particular sentence.
Nothing about the passage as a whole seems dull to me, but I’m the sort of person who thought nothing about ‘The Lord of the Rings’ was even remotely boring — I appreciate a fine story, well-constructed, that’s comfortable with its own pace.
I look forward to reading more; thank you for drawing my attention to your work. 🙂
Shivanee, you’ve got me on use of adjectives – a perennial failing! (That part of this is a new insert so hasn’t been through the editors who’d normally have picked me up on that one.)
Glad to hear it would catch your interest – I’m with you on LOTR but am aware there are those who like a more rollicking pace to their prose!
This has been SUCH a useful exercise – though it’s frustrating doing endless edits (and I’m acting on suggestions that hit home for me rather than every single one, or they really would be endless!) I am picking up on all sorts of stylistic traits that somewhere deep down I had registered but thought were not quite as obvious as they have turned out to be. Although it means a certain amount of scalpel-work now, in about three books’ time when I get to a bit of new writing it is going to save me a heck of a lot of edit-time (my writing is quite a lot more advance than my publishing at the mo).
Everyone has been so positive with their criticism that it has been not just developmental but really encouraging, so I’d like to say thanks to all who have taken the time and trouble to read and comment, on this blog or via forum or email. I’ve really appreciated the feedback, and I have to say that, because of what you’ve all told me, I’m getting on with my editing with a new relish! (Note the power of your words, peeps! Enthusiasm for edits – who’d’ve thought it?!)
Upon which note, I shall go back to my word-sculpting.
Thanks, Shivanee; and thanks to all!
JAC
No not bored yet. Nice language. Devastated by lack of sizzling gypsies but would read on…..
Yersss….Glad you would read on despite shocking lack of sizzlage…(just wait till you read Chapter 23!)
JAC
I like it! It’s no way too slow for me, in fact (being a laid back Burns type) it feels like I already know so much about the characters through their dreams, which makes me want to know more about them beyond this dream state. I’m currently reading C J Sansom’s Shardlake series and it tends to be about three chapters in before you finally get to meet the characters that are going to shape the story, so thats possibly why I’m feeling this is not slow. I love the idea of being introduced through dreams – I love dreams, mine are exhausting, but I love to recount them to people and hear about theirs…
I will read on for sure (should you continue!)!!
Gil
Excellent, thanks for that Gil. In fact this whole story started as a dream some ten years back now…. but that’s a tale for another day.
Glad you liked it – as for continuing, Bk 1 is in editing, book 2 is written but not edited and writing of book 3 has been suspended in the interests of actually getting at least on of the others into the light of day!
Watch this space –
JAC